She questions her value as a wife and wonders what is wrong with her that would cause her spouse to have an affair. She begins to believe that she was not a good enough wife destroying her self-esteem and therefore her spouse had to find fulfillment elsewhere. She may think that her spouse does not find her attractive anymore and therefore begin to question her self-worth.
No woman would want to be compared to their spouse's affair partner. When a spouse does this they are getting even for having to stay with their spouse. It hurts and cuts deeply when the cheating spouse makes comments about how much better their affair partner was. When I discovered my husband's affair, I had found out that his not only admired this woman but he fell in love with her.
And that is why he compared me to his "friend" aka mistress. The day he compared me to her was the day that I know, no matter how much we wanted to rebuild the relationship it will not work with me anymore. I will not be the second choice after his affair..
It is hard to trust and believe a spouse after an affair because they have already betrayed the other spouse. It takes time and energy to regain the trust they once had with their significant other. An emotional affair IS an affair. If you had an affair, your spouse must have had a very broken heart, and can not love you again, or trust you.
It is strange that your spouse still communicates with the person she had an affair with, but aslong as it is just words and not actions, it is still acceptable.
Maybe but not really. You don't. You have to make an educated guess based on your knowledge of your spouse's personality. A rats inability to vomit makes it vulnerable to poison. That's for the spouse to determine depending on the condition of the marriage and severity of the adultery if any.
Get affair transfers or get divorce simple. Its a sex addiction if your spouse catches you. Ice cream and masturbation. In some states you can sue for alienation of affection but that is rarely used anymore since an affair takes two consenting adults.
You must realize that your spouse was also a "culprit" in the affair. First of all you need to be brave, strong, calm, and focus. If you know that your spouse is having an affair and he or she didn't know that you knew, you need to come up with questions that you can ask your spouse.
Just tell your spouse all the consequence that will pop up if he don't stop the affair. Tell your spouse the pain and betrayal that you feel, and if for some odd reason the affair continues, file for divorce so you can move on and the pain will stop. No one deserved the pain and betrayal that your having.
Yes, often times a separation is a good thing when one spouse has had an affair. It gives each spouse a chance to stand back and reflect on how they feel and if they really love their spouse or whether to move on from the marriage.
Once a spouse has cheated it is difficult to earn the trust back from the other spouse. Perhaps put a few months limit on the separation and then meet to discuss how both of you feel about each other. The quote, 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' may apply in this case.
All the vulnerability in the world does not offset her actions and decisions and to be honest I'm digusted every time I think about it. I'm just hiding that feeling, hoping that I eventually feel better. I know that's not healthy, but my only other option is to leave her and be rid of this feeling I am in the same place you find yourself right now - and I feel the same way.
She still after 15 months since discovered blames my emotional distance for causing her "numbness" which "allowed" her to enter into an affair with a co-worker. After 15 months, in my case, the shock of the entire thing is wearing off and I, too am feeling numb and have begun to once again feel emotionally distant.
I can't help how I feel and I understand that this climate in our marriage may very well "allow" her to feel numb again and repeat the same behavior.
She doesn't understand I need time to heal from this and wants me to just get over it and move on - which would be great if I could. There are many days recently I would have gladly given up and walked away if I thought for one minute it would make the pain go away.
I hope things work out for you, my friend. Can I just say that any excuse that is given to you that you somehow caused an affair by your behavior is not true. Everyone has moments and times in their lives that are pivotal, challenging and perhaps not as they would expect it to but you almost always have the capacity all the time to choose the right path.
It was not because you were numb it was because they have some part of them that is flawed and needs fixing. Maybe not cheat but it will express itself in some form. My husband's score is 11 and that is because I can't say if his siblings will support him I was in denial. He was always amused by his friends who had affair partners with them when we met. He was convinced that his step mum had no ill will towards his mum affair with his dad which produced him.
He made it clear that it was a woman's prerogative to forgive infidelity because she is the one alone who keeps the home. Still swore never to cheat or be polygamous like his dad.
In time he let down his guards and would drool over naked female actors on TV. The affair was a matter of time. Again, Mr. Reynolds you score a bull's eye on this. This was a really helpful article. I am months out from taking online marriage course and took from perspective of before and after my affairs- and I was toxic before and high smog end now.
There have been a lot of changes for me Mostly in how I choose to see my spouse, see myself, and the possibility of a future for us now. I was so wrapped up in my own shame and anger that I was unable to assume guilt and repent to move forward into forgiveness Allows me to forgive myself for my shortcomings and my spouse for any perceived shortcomings over our years together as well so that we may enter into a fully restored relationship together.
Hello I am the betrayed and I read your most recent article and took the quiz "Are you vulnerable of having an affair. I think my soon to be ex was very vulnerable. He had a very unhealthy relationship within himself, very insecure. He has the family history and had no male close friendships at all. He was pretty much a loner. He was a triathlete always trained alone. I believed by winning races and the accolades of success gave him the confidence within himself but he really had no social skills.
His job was a truck driver being on the road long hours alone. He was molested as a child and never tried to resolve those issue and tried to bury but I look back in our marriage and see clearly now how he was. I have always felt bad for him, I see now he has always been or plays the victim. He comes from a family of infidelity.
I tool your quiz to just see if I would be vulnerable. I believe I'm not I'have a healthy relationship with myself, Im surrounded by amazing family and friends and have faith and good morals. My score was SMOG 3. I think because the first few questions I answered. I'm a flight attendant 28 yrs. I'm surrounded by attractive people, I enjoy going out with single friends. I don't agree with the survey for MY results.
I believe for me that it all starts how you were raised. Morals, faith, good parenting and strong family. I think you would agree there. I want to Thank you for all your articles and helping me as the betrayed through my journey on healing. I will continue to read and learn after my divorce is over. Harboring Hopes is amazing. I love you guys keep up the good work.
C Marie. This is a helpful article and I'm sure Rick will be adding other factors and analyzing them in subsequent articles in the series. My wife and I have had a number of conversations about what made her vulnerable to having an affair, and these have been helpful to both her and me.
I've sorted the factors into several categories, some of which echo what Rick has outline in this article:. They think they look goooood, but they actually look like dried up old prunes.
I just think hes probably delusional. Also, I was with an alcoholic for 20 years and I think the non drinking ones may be as bad or worse than the active ones. I dont know if the chemicals change their brains, or if they were just assholes all along. Plus, they are so damn sanctimonious. He was an asshole last night to me. I have recently gotten in touch with all of that addictive personality attraction that I have.
None of which they were involved in when I met them, but eventually the behaviors surfaced. It may be chemical, but I do think after all my research on this subject that it is inherent by being born with addictive tendencies. I feel very blessed to have not received those tendencies, but my family were what you would call social alcoholics and it was accepted that all their rich friends joined them in getting drunk daily. I also call it functional alcoholics.
Like my H, they were all very productive, could get drunk at night and get up and do their jobs with no problems and repeat the process every single day. My sister is an alcoholic, too. I just got raped at 8 and 15 so that has been enough dysfunction for me. But because of my family dynamics I have been attracted to nothing but addictive men.
And none of them showed me that side until I was in deep. Oh, and, of course, all their problems were my fault. My first husband and father of my children was a total alcoholic and I nagged him something terrible. And years later after several other relationships here comes my H now and all I wanted was for him to feel free to pursue his dreams and we share our lives.
I later told him that I should have been more specific when I said that. My bad. But, seriously, I did think that was understood at the time.
I met her. I saw her. Has literally no figure. Flat chested, but great legs. Long blond hair and blue eyes. It only matters how he sees her and how he sees and has seen me. Otherwise they would know that this woman is cheating WITH them and they would never be able to trust her if they ever did get together permanently. But she left him and he came to me with his broken heart and expected me to help him. She would never have stayed with him.
I later found out from one of her office friends that she was having sex with two other men at the same time she was enjoying his physical affections, love notes and passion he showed her and told her about everyday. That has always really pissed me off. Rationally I know I should be saying, screw him, he wants her, go get her and I should have walked away. But it all came without any warning and I really did think we had the perfect marriage.
I was more than totally happy with him. And as for January, it was a complete blank. We were being screwed by our bank on our mortgage and that was the month that it fell through and at that time there was nothing out there to help us and it really had nothing to do with anything we were doing that caused it. Nightmare to lose my home two years later, but I was already devastated about that. My Dad had dementia and I was over at this house taking care of him almost daily that month.
I had to find a helper for him because I knew I would be gone in February for the wedding in Reno. All this and more was going on right at the same time and it took me 2 years to reconstruct that month. So, there is no rational reason for any of it and he is clearly still delusional. She sounds lovely, Peggy. She sounds like the town tramp. I hope you have been tested for diseases plural even if they only admit to kissing because I can guarantee that mouth has had a parade of [email protected] in it.
If he was messing with this lady for 10 years and he claims there was no sex, there are two possibilities. One, he is lying. Or, two, she is what we call around here, a [email protected] Tease.
This drives men crazy thinking these broads are the best lay on the planet. He said yes, and I just started laughing right in his face.
Jesus, are they really that naive. Unfortunately, I think he really was. She was either banging someone on the side she was not married or is frigid, or maybe she thought he was really unattractive. I really think she was a d! She was definitely a dick tease, but he brought it to the table.
And yes they are that naive. In his mind she was the woman he had always been looking for. It was only one year after they had started their flirting that she actually asked him out for a drink on his birthday. But he came home. Of course he never told me about it at the time, but I know it ignited him even more. They deserved each other from my stand point. Eventually she would have shown her true self and he would have gotten bored or just pissed at her for flirting with other men.
I would have laughed, too about the moral bitch. My H used to come home and talk about what a great mother she was and a marathon runner and blah, blah, blah. The same age as her daughter. And another guy.
Real moral and such a great mother. She was probably competing with her own daughter. All I know is when I met her it was 2 days after I had come back from China and been gone 6 weeks and she came up to him right in front of me and whispered in his ear while she was looking right at me and stayed there right up close to him until we left. He never said another word about her until he told me about their affair.
These middle age hags are a dime a dozen. They thrive on attention and having some guy wanting to get in their pants. Ugh, whenever I write stuff like this, I can hardly stop myself from reaching over and popping him upside the head for associating with such a slimy freak.
These jerks always turn to the bottom of the slime pool for their affair person. Just so desperate! I think a lot of the comments on this thread have gotten away from the article topic, but that is to be expected when dealing with such an emotional upheaval.
Doug and Linda laid out some examples of the thoughts and behaviors typically found in a CS. Flirting gave her a complete green-light to assume what she wanted about him, and her assumption was he was interested in her, besides his own flirting was outrageous in itself.
Risk-taking behavior is something I have observed in him when a potential reward is at stake, and this was risk-taking. Self-esteem issues are definitely part of it and I can see how the attention of a woman 23 years younger would be flattering and ego-boosting.
Avoiding Confrontation is one of the biggest reasons he is mistrusted. He will even lie to me if he thinks the lie will pacify me and avoid any serious probing about some action of his. Although he says he fears my angry reactions if he is truthful. Lack of Self-Control comes into play in direct proportion to the size of the potential reward at stake. The bigger the possible gain, the less Self-Control is used, in my observations. Also the bigger punishment for a wrong act will push him in the right direction of Self-Control.
Selfishness — There is definitely a factor of selfishness in every betrayal of any kind. In the end, it has always been and still is my opinion that a betraying spouse is the most insecure person in the relationship. Illicit relationships give them a self-esteem boost they are otherwise lacking, no matter how much their spouse loves them. I still find it amazing that a person of my confidence level and intelligence and accomplishments could be brought to my knees from this devastation.
Angela, We often get off topic on this site.
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